Three years, one phone call
by Panshope
Summary: All she wants is her happy ever after back.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: I haven't updated any of my stories because life had been kicking my ass, the universe owes me.**

But yeah this is pretty much the truth of why, most of this is true.

**Enjoy ~**

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Three years.

A phone call.

That's what it came down to after all that effort, all that patience and time. From the start they new it wasn't going to be easy but they said fuck the distance, fuck the religion, fuck the fact they weren't suppose to be together. All that mattered was that they wanted to be together. The first time they met Natsuki took the two hour bus journey to see her, to go to her town because that's what you did. You put the effort in and showed that you were going to commit to it. It was the 30th of October, all hallows eve.

By the end of the day, which they had spent being awkward and somewhat shy around each other they were standing outside a rather dreary looking building for no other reason than that's where they ended up. Natsukis was standing behind Shizuru with her arms wrapped around her waist; trying to keep the tawny haired woman warm. A moment or two passed and the blunette announced she had to leave, it was sad but they knew this was all just starting.

It was then that Natsuki turned Shizuru around in her arms and looked into deep red eyes, probably the most spectacular eyes she had seen and spoke.

"I want to tell you something but I don't want to scare you away." Natsuki looked at her earnestly.

"It won't, nothing you can say will scare me away."

"Well, it might. We've just met and I don't know if it's too soon and you might freak out. I don't want you to freak out."

"Just say it, okay." Shizuru re-assured her.

"I love you."

The brunette was quiet for a moment which made the other woman squirm. "I love you too." she smiled.

From then on they said I love you to each other each night and by god did Natsuki mean it. She knew it was fast and utterly ridiculous but she was never one for keeping emotions to herself. Especially when she felt that strong about someone. Why wouldn't she?

Shizuru was perfect.

She knew it would be difficult and complicated but she didn't care. Not as long as she got to call Shizuru hers. They were each others first kiss, each others first time and most definitely each others first love. Of course nothing stays happy forever. The first big issue was the fact that Shizuru parents were catholic and against gay relationships, so for a short while Natsuki was just a new friend who came to stay albeit nearly every weekend.

But Shizurus' mother loved her; made sure she ate when she was there, told her stories about her family and even sat down with her and said _'Just keep studying, from your books. Over and over again and you'll learn everything as long as you read over and over.'_

Natsuki became part of the family, it was something that meant a lot to her.

Then the first big hurdle came.

Shizuru was set to go to America to visit some relatives for six weeks. This had been planned since she was six years old, something she wanted to do her whole life so she went and they kept in contact over the phone and by internet when they could.

The hard part came when one of Shizurus neighbours, a boy who was jealous of the fact that they were together told her mother about them. All hell broke lose.

Shizurus mother was on the phone to her sister in America where she was staying. It felt as though neither of them would get through this, being apart this long was enough. There were a lot of tears and arguments and conversations and late nights. In the end they pulled through, they just kept it a secret. It had to be that way, Shizuru was too young to lose her family, all she had known for so long.

There were more arguments, more tears but they were in love so each time they made it through again. Natsuki promised her forever and so did Shizuru.

They planned out the future with the house they would have which would include Natsukis art studio and Shizurus fabric room, the four children they would raise together – two of which would be twins, the wolf puppy and the kitten, the wedding, how they would decorate the house, how the children would have to have white walls so they could draw on them.

And when Shizuru was finding it hard to keep the secret from her family, Natsuki would hold her close and run her fingers through her hair while she described a day in their future with the children.

People said they would never last because of all the crap that was thrown at them but they did. They lasted three whole years. Of course there were more arguments and more tears but the thought of Shizuru not being hers broke the blunette into pieces.

It was in the last year of their relationship that Shizurus best friend, Reito, decided to pop back into her life after walking out four years ago. At first it was fine but every time they had an argument he would jump in and play the hero, making her look like a despicable person.

Natsuki was so sick of him interfering and making her look like a jerk Admittedly she was a right ass sometimes but she planned on spending the rest of her life making it up to her. Time went on and it got worse, Natsuki insisted that Reito was in love with her but it just got brushed off until he told her he was.  
She knew it! The asshole was doing his best to take her away by making her look like an idiot. The next issue was the fact that he tried to kiss her when they were still together which according to Shizuru, didn't count because he never actually did it.

As time went on the arguments became more frequent, Natsuki was trying to hold on with all she had but the brunette grew distant. Started to keep things to herself, not communicating but she had time to talk to her 'best friend'.

They were suppose to see each other but Shizuru made plans to see Reito instead so trying not to cause an argument Natsuki compromised. She said she should go see him in the day and when she was done meet her and she would stay. Everything was fine till the brunette called half an hour before she was suppose to meet her and said she couldn't come. Natsuki was angry and she started yelling down the phone outside a coffee shop in the middle of town. After it was all over Natsuki waited at home until she called to explain.

Shizuru couldn't make it so see her but she managed to spend an extra hour and a half with that twat.

"Oh, so you can't see me but you can spend another fucking hour and a half with him?"

"It's not like that."

"Then what is it! I want to see **MY** girlfriend, I want somebody to talk to about all the shit that's going on with my family but you don't fucking care do you?"

"Of course I care." Shizuru spoke calmly and quietly.

"No you don't!" Natsuki began to cry. "You don't talk to me any more, you don't share anything with me. How the hell do you expect me to make things better when you don't say anything?"

"I know, I'm sorry."

"Why don't you talk to me any more? All I do is try and try but you keep pushing me away."

"I just, I don't feel the same way I used to. I started to hate you and I thought I could push through and it would change but it hasn't."

"Why don't you want me?" Natsukis tears were coming heavy and fast, her voice cracked. "What's so wrong with me? What did I do?"

"Nothing. It has nothing to do with you, I just don't feel the same any more. I'm so sorry Natsuki."

At that point the tears were flowing to fast, she could barely speak. Taking the phone away from her ear she closed it ending the call and cried harder than she had before. Her eyes were stinging when she blinked, her throat was hoarse and crackly, her nose was running like crazy.

She needed tissue.

Natsuki did her best to wipe away the tears but her eyes were red raw, her hair messed up, even so she made her way downstairs anyway.

Her mother, Saeko, was sitting in the kitchen with her older sister Alyssa. Alyssa had come over to talk to their mother about how she was doing. At the beginning of December Saeko found out that her husband had cheated on her with his brothers wife.

As she walked into the kitchen Alyssa immediately noticed those tear stained cheeks.

"Jesus, what the hell happened? What's wrong?" the blonde hopped of the counter and followed her to the bathroom.

Natsuki picked up some tissue and blew her nose before she managed to choke out. "Shizuru just broke up with me."

Alyssa pulled her into a tight hug as she continued to cry. "What? Why?"

"I don't know, she doesn't want me any more."

"Oh, sweetie. It's okay. It'll be okay." she rubbed her back.

After a few minutes Natsuki broke away from her sister and looked at her mother who gave her a sympathetic look. As she walked upstairs, Alyssa followed her.

They sat down on her double bed and Alyssa pulled her into a hug.

"Go on, let it out. That's it, what happened."

"S-she called me half, half an hour before we were suppose to meet and said she couldn't but she managed to spend extra time with that stupid twat rather than coming to see me then I waited for her to call and she said she didn't want me." she gripped the back of her sisters jumper.

"Why did she say that?"

"I don't know! I tried so hard."

"I know you did, I know."

"I tried so hard to keep us together, I did everything and I stayed through it all." Natsuki sobbed harder. "It hurts."

"It will, it'll hurt for a long time. No one forgets their first love and you don't really stop loving them either."

"I just want her! If it wasn't for that stupid jerk we'd be fine." she pulled away and wiped at her eyes harshly.

"Who's this guy, what happened?"

"Fucking Reito, they used to be best friends but he walked out on her four years ago without a word. Then he pops up in the last year and every time we argued he jumped in to play the hero and make me look like a jerk I said he was in love her but she said he wasn't then he ended up telling her he was. He tried to kiss her her while we were still together but she said it didn't count cause he missed but it counts. The thought counts doesn't it."

"Yeah, it does."

"So all that shit happened and now this. After three years." Natsuki took a deep breath. "I need tissue."

"I'll go get you some." Alyssa got up and went down the stairs.

"Girls, I'm going to be now." Saeko said before she went into her room.

Upon hearing that Natsuki sluggishly made her way down the stairs and occupied the space on the kitchen counter waiting for her sister.

Alyssa sat on the other counter with her back to the wall.

"I promised her forever and I meant it. I wanted to be hers forever, no matter what. I thought we would make it. She broke every promise she made, every one. I just want her."

"I know. You know it must have been so hard with her, especially with her family and having to hide it all. You have to remember that she's young, younger than you."

"By like a year and a bit. Not much."

"But it is, one year can make a lot of difference. You're older and more mature, I think she's just confused and doesn't know what she wants."

"That's not the point, she made a promise and she broke it." the younger sister brought her knees up to her chest and rested her head against the cabinet.

"I believe, I truly believe that if it's meant to be that you will find each other and end up together. I really do believe that, if it's meant to be."

"Don't tell me that, it'll make me think there some sort of chance. I don't want false hope."

"Okay."

"I just want the hurt to go away." by now Natsuki had stopped crying and was staring at the blue tiled floor.

"You've just got to think that there are people out there a lot worse off, people who can't eat or are sick or are homeless in Russia. You're probably thinking why are you telling me this and that it's not really helping you but what I mean is you can get through it."

"How do people get through this? The person who was your happy ever after just ups and leaves because they changed."

"You have to find something to fight for. That'll keep you going." Alyssa answered.

"I have nothing to fight for now." she said detachedly. "She was it, through my depression and everything."

"You do, you have to stay and look after mum cause she's going through a break up after twenty years. Isn't better that she did it now rather than twenty years down the line?"

_'No, cause at least then she would still be with me.' _Natsuki thought.

"When I was your age I was the same as you, depressed and angry all the time. I was angry at everything and I didn't know why. My friends were all getting jobs and learning to drive and going off to other places but now look at me. My friends are mainly mums and that's all they do, I'm going back to college and finally working for something I want to do. I'm 25 but I'm still going for it because it's something I want."

"Just want her. That's all. I don't know how to move on."

"You don't know this about me but when I was seventeen, eighteen I almost had a complete nervous break down. I had suicidal thoughts, thoughts of throwing myself off a bridge, of walking out into traffic. Just ending it all." she got up and grabbed a glass of water. "Mum didn't tell you because you were only like eleven or twelve. I had to go see a therapist and I had a nurse who would visit twice a week. He made me write it all down, everything I was feeling. I even had to make a list of the good and the bad things."

"Do you think that would help?"

"I don't know, it might. There's no certain way of healing or stopping it hurting but give it time okay?" she walked over and hugged her sister. "I'm gotta' go but you know where I am if you need me."

"Yeah."

"It will get better, I promise."

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Natsuki woke up the next morning groggily with a giant headache. She rolled over and slowly opened her eyes, they still stung. Not to mention her nose was blocked and she sounded like she had the flu.

Rubbing her eyes she reached down to the side of her bed to grab her phone, sliding it up she saw she had a message from her best friend Nao.

_'Wait? What?  
When the hell did this happen?_

_Xxx'_

Natsuki spent the morning explaining it to her best friend, asking her why and what was so wrong with her. Of course Nao replied said that was nothing was wrong with her and this guy was a total rebound and it wouldn't last.

It was new years eve and Natsuki, her sister and mother were all going to her aunts to celebrate the new year but she wasn't really in the mood.

As soon as she walked into the kitchen her aunt perked up and spoke. "How are we?"

"I got dumped." she answered rather sombrely as her aunt hugged her.

"She'll be back."

The blunette took a deep breath and tried to enjoy the night as much as possible.

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Over the next few days there were a lot more tears, a few more one sided arguments and all up to the point where Shizuru would ignore her in favour for that jack ass that walked out on her four years ago. Eventually Shizuru said that she needed space to figure out how she felt and what was going on with her.

Natsuki agreed and instead spoke to other people and even managed to get out of bed to meet up with friends.

It was during the day when Natsuki got a text from the brunette. She heard her phone vibrate and she looked over and saw the name on the display. Her heart sped up and her flushed , she felt as though she was going to be sick.

She read it and it asked if she would help Shizuru with her project proposal. Against her, and her best friends better judgement she said she would help.  
Natsuki didn't know how to be without Shizuru, she had made the older girl her everything for the past three years, no matter what, she shared it with her so when she got asked for help it was an opportunity to talk to her.

More than anything she was afraid that Shizuru would just forget her and everything that had happened over the past three years as if they meant nothing. She wasn't sure how to cope.  
So of course she sat there and basically wrote out the project proposal, feeling hopeful that things would turn back to normal.

The next big thing came when they were talking online, what started out as a simple conversation turned into an argument. Natsuki had told Shizuru about something extremely personal involving her childhood and was feeling generally crap due to all the stress with her parents breaking up.

Not that she felt anything for her 'father' any more. She didn't know what to call him; dad or father just seemed like a waste.

Shizuru claimed that she didn't remember so Natsuki prompted her and she finally got it.

"So you just forgot? How do you forget something that personal about someone?" Natsuki asked feeling hurt.

"I don't know what to say."

"You were with me for three years and if I was anyone else you would have offered some support, some kindness."

"It's weird, I need some space."

"What the hell do you need space for? If anyone should be asking for space it should be me, you're not even hurting over this. You've quite happily moved on with that prick."

"I have feelings too you know."

"You aren't talking about feelings! You just want me to fuck off so you don't have to feel guilty and can be all happy with him. What is it that he has that I don't? Money, an easier life, a penis?"

"Shut up! I don't care about any of those things!"

"Of course you do! You promised forever and you broke it. He jumps in when you're feeling shit and plays the 'hero', at least my best friend always tried to see your god damn point. He's all over there looking shiny and easy with a happier life! Of course you want him."

"He makes me happier than you could believe. I hate you."

When Natsuki saw those three words she froze, her emerald eyes stared at the backlit laptop screen and tears began to flow again.

"Thanks." she typed before she went offline.

She curled into herself to try and stop the crying and shaking. She felt cold but she couldn't do anything about it. She sent a message to Nao saying that Shizuru hated her and he made her happier. After a while she managed to work up the nerve to get up and go to bed, before she went she took a sleeping tablet so she could rest somewhat. Since they had broken up Natsuki had barely slept or eaten.

She woke up the next morning and looked at her ceiling before she decided that she didn't have it in her to get out of bed. So she just rolled over and went back to sleep.

Throughout the day she could hear her mother move about downstairs, talking on the phone, going out and coming back in. When she next opened her eyes all she saw was darkness, it must've been night. The blunettes suspicion was confirmed when she heard her sister come in with her friend, then her 'fathers' brother; the one whose wife had cheated with her dad walk in too.

Her phone vibrated and she saw it was a message from Nao. It was strange but whenever she talked things through with the red head she felt so much better, so much stronger. Like she could do whatever she needed to.

Of course her other friends had helped her a lot, Mai, Yukino, even Haruka but especially Mikoto.  
Mikoto would sit there and listen to her rant and sit through the sudden mood swings of up and down and take them all in her stride. Offering hugs, support and a shoulder to cry on.

The message from Nao read:

_'So wait, Shizuru is with a guy. . . After all this?  
First she's a twat in general and second an  
absolute fuck up to say those things.  
Sweetie I'm so sorry, she's stupid and you  
know not to waste your time on stupid  
people! Xxxx'_

The red head was not someone who was very forgiving when it came to her best friend. She had been there throughout the entire relationship and picked up the pieces more times than Natsuki could count and for that she couldn't thank her enough.

Natsuki sent back:

_'I know it sounds horrible but I hope it  
doesn't last. At all. He walked out her  
before, nothing stopping him again.  
I hope it doesn't last.'_

Nao replied with:

_'Like I said, this guy is just a rebound.  
It won't last if it's on a whim, once all the  
excitement and the happy and shiny turns  
dull it'll break apart.' _

She eventually got up around 10pm, walking to the sofa she curled up under a blanket.

Alyssa looked over "You alright?"

"Yeah."

"She sent me a message earlier, asking me to check on you. Saying something like 'I wasn't very nice to Natsuki, can you check on her?'"

"She did, you reply?"

"Yup, I said 'Well if you didn't tell her you hated her then I wouldn't have to check on her would I?' She didn't reply."

Natsuki felt bad and text her to say sorry for her sisters harshness but apparently Shizuru thought it was well deserved. This started a whole chain of messages that stopped until the brunette asked for help again. So trying to be a good person Natsuki helped as best she could but the conversation ended in hurt again.

Again she went to bed feeling worthless, like she meant absolutely nothing to the person who she wanted to be her everything. Shizuru was her happy ever after, her forever and now she had even given up on the dreams of having children.

Every single time she thought of them two together it made her feel physically sick, of him touching her, of him kissing her, of him having sex with her, of him cuddling her.

Natsuki ran to the bathroom and threw up.

_'There was no point in eating.'_

Later the next day she found out that her sister had spoken to her and Shizuru said she didn't know if she had feelings for this guy and she always thought she was gay but maybe not.

All Natsuki wanted was Shizuru back, she wanted to sit around late at night and watch stupid cartoons, she wanted to cook for her, she wanted Shizuru to wake her up at 5am to make her a sandwich, she wanted to hold hands, she wanted to hold her as she slept, she wanted to kiss her, she wanted to show her off, she wanted to have that future, she wanted that planned wedding, she wanted to be able to obsess over stupid things.

But what can you do when the other person barely wants to know you and might have started to move on already? Was it all meant to just fall into place in time?

What if she ran out of time and it was too late? What if she didn't try hard enough?

All she wanted was her happy ever after back.

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**A/N: I don't really know where im going with this.**

Continue or no? And admittedly its more from Natsukis point of view.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: I honestly didn't think I would get such a big response. Thank you.  
I'm sorry about the mix up with the ages in the last one, I was writing it rather fast trying to get it all out. Just for clarification, Natsuki is meant to be older than Shizuru.**

**Getting Shizurus side of the story might, erh, be somewhat difficult because this is based on something personal which literally happened two or so weeks ago. But I'll try my best. **

**Enjoy ~ **

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It was mainly during the early hours of the morning of the late hours of the night that Nastuki would feel at her worst. She would over think everything and think about all the things that _he_ could do now, all the things she used to.

He would kiss her, cuddle her, hold her and most likely, eventually have sex with her. These thoughts caused an unpleasant ache where her heart was. Of course she new the pain wasn't physical, it was emotional and that was probably the worst thing about it. Something that she could feel but not fix. It's not like a cut or a bruise or a scrape, not something you can fix with a plaster or paracetamol.

And it hurt. It hurt a fucking lot.

Every time she thought of him and her she felt physically sick and more often than not she would have to rush to the bathroom and throw up whatever minimal amount she had eaten.

Natsuki was laying in her bed, just laying and staring at the wall in front of her. She wanted to stop feeling, she was waiting for the time when she wouldn't feel hurt over this any more but it was taking to long.  
The blunette never handled emotional pain well, she wasn't patient with it and hated the fact she felt this way. As she laid there she tried not to think about anything at all, she decided that she would just stay there and wait till either her body or heart quit on her.

She wondered which one would go first.  
Her friends kept telling her to stop talking to Shizuru but she couldn't, how can you not when the person you told everything to just cuts you out. Even if Natsuki had a small moment of happiness she immediately grabbed her phone to share it with the brunette but the realization hit her seconds after and she put the phone back down.

She was never the 'take a step back' kind of person. She had to always given her everything to whoever and whatever but everyone said she needed to stop. It was basically torture, having someone who you used to be that close to talk to you so clinically.  
And every time she typed something out or a reply popped up her heart would double in speed and she almost couldn't calm down.

Natsuki even looked at that idiots website and it broke her inside every time she saw -_  
'It's great when you have strong feelings for someone and they are reciprocated.' - _staring back at her from the laptop screen. Even thinking about it made her feel horrid inside so she brought her knees up to her chest.

Taking deep breaths she tried to calm herself and ease the feeling of sickness but she couldn't help but wonder if they were already together? Had they made plans for a date? Would she go and see him and stay? All of these thoughts swirling in her head, she closed her eyes trying to think of something else. Something different.

When she went to bed she couldn't even dream. It took her at least an hour to get settled before sleep would be kind enough to be dull and black. The almost certainty that Shizuru would never occupy the other side of her bed again kept her awake, the only reason she decided to have the double bed was so that there was more room for them both but now there was to much.

She had put pillows in the space and hadn't slept there at all. The pillows had only offered a little comfort, it just wasn't the same as having a living, breathing person next to you. It wasn't the same as hearing their slow breathing or feeling their warmth or having someone to cuddle up to. It was just empty, hollow and empty. Something inside her had been broken or taken away and she was never going to get it back.

Natsuki was so fucking scared that she would never get over her.  
And right now it seemed like the impossible. Everyone she knew said not to talk to her, make her miss you and remember how unbelievable you are but what if she did that and Shizuru forgot all about her? All about what they had? What if it would be too late to get her back after that and by hell she wanted her back.  
Would not talking to Shizuru make her miss her? Make her want to talk to her? After all the brunette had sent her a message saying:

_'Natsuki, I really do want you in my life and you're  
my closest friend, you know me better than anyone  
in the world, you know me better than myself  
sometimes and I don't want to just cut you out  
but I think we both need the space and I'm so sorry  
for what I said. I don't hate you at all. I'm just  
angry and upset and stressed out and majorly  
confused about a lot of things. I hope one day  
you can forgive me for hurting you so  
ruthlessly.'_

So apparently she was wanted in her life but not now? And if she was so confused and upset why the fuck was she already starting to date this prick? Shouldn't she herself take the time to sort her head out before jumping straight to someone else.

It was like Shizuru hadn't even stopped to _feel_ but instead because he was there looking shiny and said things that made her feel good she transferred her feelings over to him. Maybe they were misplaced.  
And how the hell could you just not think you're gay after spending three years with a woman?  
That meant the whole time was a god damn fucking lie.

Green eyes flickered over to the fish tank on top of her dresser.

_'I should probably feed them.' _Natsuki thought.

Even food didn't appeal to her, she looked at it and turned away. It all tasted like nothing, nothing had taste any more. Sure it smelt nice when it was being made but when she came to eat it it just didn't taste of anything. A day or two could go by and nothing would pass her lips, not food, not drink.  
What was the point when there was no reason. There was no reason to eat or drink or to do anything at all. Her drive for university and her future and to be accomplished all went away when Shizuru did. If she wasn't going to work for that future then what was the point?

Natsuki had already completed two years of forensic science at college then she went back to do another year which was an art foundation course.

The blunette hated that year, absolutely detested it. She didn't make friends that easy and everyone had so much more talent than herself. She was rusty, it had been two years since she had drawn anything when she started the course. All her work was pretty pants, her skills were definitely not sharp but she pushed through and got her diploma because she wanted that future. That life.

She applied for university and got everything sorted but found out that she didn't have the extra five hundred she needed before she went so she deferred it for a year and was currently trying to find work.

There was nothing to fill up her days, sure she tidied the house for her mother but other than that there wasn't a lot that kept her mind off how shit she was feeling. Going online was depressing, she knew she would see something that would upset her or something that would make her think of the brunette. Even watching movies or tv was upsetting, there were couples on every freaking channel.

She was watching How to train your Dragon and teared up when Toothless was taken away from Hiccup. So she needed something to occupy her for a while, something that wouldn't let her think about anything or let her thoughts wander.

_'But would she miss me?' _was the thought that made her stomach uneasy and her chest ache.

What if Shizuru didn't miss her or see how 'unbelievable' she was? That was something that scared her stiff. If she didn't miss her it meant she meant nothing.  
Shizuru might take it as Natsuki never wanted to talk to her and move on and create a new life, one with that fucking little rich boy.

Of course she could always wait for her revenge; wait until they had an argument and play the hero and see how well he likes it. See how much it'll hurt him to take her away just like he did. The interfering cunt.  
But no, Natsuki wasn't one for thought out planned revenge, all she wanted to do was beat the absolute shit out of his smarmy face. Hit him until her knuckles bled, make him feel on the outside how she felt on the inside.

No matter how much she talked it through with people it never made it any easier, she just wanted to feel close to someone for a little while. To ease the loneliness and gaping hole that had seemed to settle in her.  
It wasn't a matter of finding another person, she didn't want anyone else. She wanted _her_, just her to fill that hole. To make everything bright and happy again.

God, she felt sick.

Over the past few days she had thought about how easy it would be to take one too many pills or how easy it would be to run a scalpel blade down the length of her forearms. Taking too many pills seemed to be less painful way but if she cut she would just eventually go numb and pass out. Although she didn't have the strength to do it, she felt like a coward and a hypocrite for thinking those thoughts and then not having the guts to go through with it.  
Especially when there were people out there with terminal illnesses who would give anything for a life if all they had to endure was a little heartache.

Natsuki was also a little sick of people telling her that this was just break up, that she would get over it, that it wasn't like someone had died.  
Fair enough but something had died. It had died inside her, this relationship was her happy ever after. It wasn't perfect or easy or shiny but who gave a fuck when you had the girl of your dreams standing beside you?

The situation with her 'father', a word which was wasted on him, was something she couldn't really deal with right now. She was doing her best for her mum but constantly talking it through with her and trying to drill it into her head that he was a worthless jackass was wearing thin.

They first noticed when it all started.  
Her father would stay up late talking to someone online, he would stand in the kitchen and text someone, he wouldn't answer questions of who it was or where he went and spent most of the day. He was defensive and barely did anything to help Saeko.

The next big thing was when her mother came downstairs at nearly one am to find the tv playing static and her husband nowhere to be found. Where the hell does your 'father' go at nearly one am in the morning and she knew he had been gone for a while as the tv turns itself off after a certain amount of time.

Natsuki also found messages from someone under the name 'Sexy' on his phone when she asked to borrow it. It wasn't her mothers number and she knew better than to invade someones privacy but she did it anyway. She read the messages and they weren't exactly subtle.

She had managed to detach herself completely from him, she felt nothing for this man any more. She looked at him and felt nothing, no attachment, no sadness that he was gone. He was just some man who used to make her cereal in the morning.

Would she ever get over Shizuru? The blunette didn't want to go back to being that shy, un-confident person who barely spoke to anyone. Natsuki had always been socially awkward and hated groups of new people but if Shizuru was there she felt more at ease.

So now the hard part was figuring out if and how she should stop contacting her. She honestly didn't know how not to.  
Natsuki would say to herself that she wouldn't say a word to her all day, not for a few days but it never seemed to last. She would think about something and instantly feel weak.

But what if Shizuru didn't miss her. What if she just moved on.

* * *

**So this chapter was shorter but I needed to get it all out so I hope you don't mind and all.**

**And now I'm going to say thank you to everyone who reviewed: - **

_Anon, Artemis Kami, Strike-Minna, SKULLCANDii, AngelInPain, Urban Cowboy, H3artbreak3r, ALEXISSA2, anon fan, hounoNOtenshi, Lissa, anon, sam, zenshiki, hauntedartemis, will-find-u, Asuka47, Rose of Cassidy, dragonkyuubi101, nidias, clara76120, yukishiro28 and Urooj._

Note to **nidias – **Yeah it all happened a few weeks ago.

Note to **Urooj** - ** -**GIANT HUG-


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Hey there. It's been a while I know but that's because I'm still dealing with all this but I at least wanted to give you guys something.  
I feel like this chapter is a little more controlled. **

**

* * *

**

Isn't it strange how, once you have your heart broken you understand every single line of every love song ever written? Your heart twinges and there's this pang you feel when listening to that song, any song. Like it's telling you "I understand."

Isn't odd that even though it's just a song, you get comfort in knowing that you're not the only one out there who has been heart broken? At first it doesn't feel like that, at first you feel like you are the only one who has ever had their heart broken or how Natsuki liked to think of it; the only person who has had their heart ripped from their chest and thrown against a wall for it to slide into the trash.

But then you start listening to sad songs, even though you know it won't make you feel any better. You listen and you take a little comfort from it, we take comfort from knowing someone else has been where we are now. And that that person got past it and moved on.

Did they move on because they found another person to love or did they just move on because they had to? Unfortunately life doesn't give us the pleasure of stopping time and just waiting around until we feel better, until we are less heartbroken.  
Instead it moves, constantly. As if to say '_Come on, you can't sit around forever, there are things to be done..' _

And those songs or that song, the one that would be put on repeat and played over and over and over again. By the end of it you knew every word and maybe you even sang along. Did it make you feel any better? Not really, you'd stop listening to it for some reason it or another and you'd come away from it with a sense of melancholy in your heart.

A sadness that wasn't bitter, or angry, or violent, just sadness.

It was a text message from Nao that woke her up, admittedly it felt like a bit of a slap.

_'Natsuki, there are worse  
things that have happened  
than a relationship  
ending.' _

Admittedly it stung her a bit, after all Nao was suppose to be her best friend right? To offer support and a safe place where she could talk or rant.  
Although Natsuki knew that Nao would tell it to her straight, she wouldn't let her wallow or feel sorry for herself for too long. The thing was that Nao knew Natsuki was stronger than she made her self out to be and that she just had to realise that.

She laid there for a few minutes but managed to finally get up and get out of her bedroom. Nao was right, laying here wasn't going to do her any good. The pain wouldn't just go away on its own.

It was about the afternoon when she sat down to watch tv, still she hadn't got a lot of stuff to do so she went online for a bit, trying to distract herself from the wandering thoughts. Her friends would check up on her and ask her if she was okay, she appreciated it.

Thing was Nao had been extremely distant and she didn't know whether she had done something to upset her or if she was just busy. January wasn't a good month for Nao, there was always one date that loomed over the whole month like a giant black cloud. Maybe that was why, or at least part of the reason.

The red head was two years younger than herself, they met by chance in secondary school when Natsuki had to go talk to somebody they both mutually knew.

From then on they became friends, quite good friends but something changed. Neither of them could exactly pin point the moment, or the exact thing that was said but they suddenly became even closer. Then for about a year they didn't really speak but started up again at some point and it was just like it was before.

No grudges were held over the fact they hadn't spoken in forever, no arguments, no_ 'why didn't you talk to me for so long?'_. It was just back to normal.  
The blunette didn't take the term best friend lightly, she never really had much luck with being able to trust someone completely or feeling comfortable with them. She knew though, that she wanted the kind of bond where no matter what, that person would love you and always be there.

Within time they went from becoming best friends to literally soulmaytes. They knew pretty much everything about one another, not in the factual way but in the way that Nao knew Natsuki was upset when she didn't talk much, or she knew that Natsuki was uncomfortable with the amount of new people about when she just stood there.

At those times Nao would make a small gesture, whether it be standing next to the blunette to make her feel better or taking her hand and holding it. They knew how each others minds worked, they knew what each emotion meant and they were fiercely loyal to one another.

One of the greatest things Nao appreciated about Natsuki was the fact that she knew she would never judge her for anything she had done.

It was at a small party Chie had held when she realised this.

_Natsuki, Nao, Mai and Chie were standing in the kitchen, all moderately drunk and talking about how many girls they had slept with. _

_Nao didn't want to say, she figured if she did the others would think of her differently. Comments in the past had been made about the number of people she had slept with and these comments were from supposed 'friends' yet they still stung._

_"I don't wana' say because people always think differently of me after I tell them." the red head looked at Natsuki. _

_Nao leaned over and whispered the number into her ear. _

_Natsuki moved away and saw the look on Naos face, the one that was bracing for something hurtful._

_"That doesn't change anything." she answered. "I still love you and nothing will ever make me judge you."_

Natsuki didn't believe in the reasoning that your soulmayte had to be the person you were in love with, the person you were having sex with.

There was no defining moment that told you "Oh by the way, this is your soulmayte."

You just know, you know instinctively that this person is such a major part of your life. Whenever Natsuki was asked about it she would always say the same thing.

"_You just know. You just know that their life means more than your own. It's hard to explain but when you know you'll know." _

_

* * *

_

A new day had come and Natsuki spent the majority of it not giving into the urge to text the brunette and she had been doing amazingly well. It was just before midnight when her phone vibrated, she looked down and saw the name. Her heart doubled in speed, her brain panicked and her hands shook as she picked up the phone.

All the brunette wanted was some help with her personal statement and who was Natsuki to refuse? In all honesty she was annoyed that Shizuru only seemed to talk to her when she wanted something, like she was just being picked up and dropped when needed.  
Instead of getting angry or bitter she took the high road and went online to help which proved a difficult task due to the fact Shizuru was taking forever to reply or not finding the documents she needed to figure out how to help.

In the end, she sat there til half one which was when the brunette decided she was tired and wanted to go to sleep.

Slightly annoyed the blunette complied and it wasn't until the next morning that she got a rushed phone call from the younger girl asking if she could help in about an hour because it had to be done and sent today.

Groggily she said yes and eventually managed to wake herself up enough to do so. Natsuki sat there and edited the statement, making sure it was formatted correctly and had the right amount of lines.

Once it was done Shizuru abruptly went offline.

"Or you know just ignore me." Natsuki said to her empty bedroom.

She got another rushed call, thanking her for helping.

* * *

A while later Shizuru had agreed to come to see her so she had someone to talk to about what was going on with her parents because she didn't have the night before she said she couldn't.  
This happened frequently through out their relationship. As Shizurus parents were some what controlling she had to ask if she was allowed to stay over a 'friends' or go out for the day. Every single time Shizuru would leave it till the night before or on the day to tell her that she couldn't make it.

Natsuki got pissed off and an argument always followed. It couldn't be that hard to let your girlfriend have a little more fucking notice could it? So, even though they weren't together she got pissed off. Really pissed off, after all Shizuru had promised.

She had promised to be there.

"You fucking promised Shizuru! Do you not get that?"

"If I can't come, I can't come. Stop getting mad at me."

"Do you even fucking care that I need someone to talk to right now and I trust you. I'm not asking for a god damn miracle, I'm not asking for you to take me back. I'm asking for a fucking friend." the blunette swore a lot when she was upset or angry.

Somehow they managed to get over the argument; which was always mainly due to Natsuki apologising or calming down and trying to act rational yet Natsuki always got the feeling that Shizuru didn't care, that she didn't want to be around her and an argument was the perfect way to do that.

Instead they arranged to meet on friday but that never happened either. The exact same thing happened as before. Again they got past it and Shizuru offered up another date instead but apparently she had to hand in her sketchbook that same day and Natsuki only got the news the night before.

"_It doesn't take all freaking day to go into your college and hand in a fucking sketchbook."_

"_I'll see if I can get there after."_

"_It doesn't take all fucking day to hand in a sketchbook."_

Shizuru didn't turn up in the end and Natsuki had bailed on helping her sister out and meeting a friend. She said no to both because she thought the brunette was going to be here but she ended up feeling like shit. All Shizuru ever did was apologise for this or for that. An apology means nothing unless you're going to fix the problem in the first place. Just like a promise is everything, until it's broken, then the words 'I'm sorry' mean nothing.

_'That's it. I'm going to start sorting stuff out and give all her stuff back.' _Natsuki thought to herself.

She text the younger girl asking what stuff she wanted back but she said nothing.

_No. You have to have it back.  
I'm not keeping your clothes  
here and it's not my job to  
throw them away._

Natsuki went through all her draws and took out the clothes that weren't hers, folded them up and put them into a bag. In this bag she also put a photo of them together, a drawing Shizuru had done of them and a small dragon teddy. As she opened the front compartment of the bag a ring fell out. It was the ring she bought for Shizuru after she asked her if she wanted to marry her. They had matching ones but Natsuki had lost hers.

The proposal wasn't anything special.

_It was within the first year of the relationship, when Natsuki was still allowed into Shizurus house and only thought of as a good friend. They were laying in bed, the moonlight from the window was resting on the brunettes cheek and they were just talking. _

_Natsuki stopped and looked at Shizuru before asking. "Hey, you wana marry me?"_

"_Are you being serious?"she laughed slightly. _

"_Yeah why not? We're going to be together forever anyway, might as well make it official at some point."_

"_Okay." she smiled. _

"_Wait, so, will you, Shizuru Fujino marry me?"_

"_Yeah."_

They didn't wear their rings all the time, purely for the fact that Natsuki constantly lost hers and Shizuru wasn't allowed to wear jewellery in school. Natsuki meant it when she said it, she was planning on marry this girl and giving her whatever wedding she wanted. After all the blunette wasn't keen on great big social gatherings and planning parties so she would give Shizuru the reins.

But now? She guessed that was a lie too.

Taking the ring she placed it on her desk and left if there while she got all the cards and notes that Shizuru had written.

And the scrapbook.

Shizuru had made this scrapbook for her before she went to america, so that she would have something to hold onto while she was out there. What was Natsuki supposed to do with this? Everything written in it wasn't true any more, it was just one big fucking lie.

People would say "Yeah but she meant it at the time."

Natsuki always gave the same response. "Yeah she always promised forever, look how well that turned out. Really meant that didn't she."

She opened up one of the flaps and read what was inside:

_'My heart belongs to you, it always will.'_

Lie.

Flipping to the end there were a bunch of notes that Shizuru had written to her and against her better judgement she opened them up and started reading them.

_'You're beautiful.' _

Lie.

_'I love you so so so much, I can't even explain it.'_

Lie.

_'I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with you, I'm really happy it's you I get to share it with.' _

Lie.

_'You have completely changed my life and I can't imagine you not in it.' _

Lie.

Everything was a fucking lie. She meant it at the time. So what?

You don't tell someone forever and then say no, you don't tell someone all this then act like they mean absolutely fuck all to you. If anything Natsuki just wanted to mean something to Shizuru, after all they had been through surely she had to mean something. Right? The brunette had called her her best friend but she sure as hell didn't act like she was. The short messages, the one word answers, the barely speaking. That wasn't how you treat a best friend, that's how you treat someone you don't really know what to do with.

She needed to get out. She needed to leave.

* * *

It was one evening when she was cleaning out her fish tank, washing the stones is the sink that her phone vibrated on the counter next to her.  
Natsuki looked over at the small object and arched her eyebrow at it.

"Really? People decide to text me now when I have my hands in a sink full of water."

Her mother and grandfather were also standing in the small kitchen talking to each other about the issues with her "father" or what they were going to do about the house, or why he wouldn't help them. Natsukis mother kept asking her questions she didn't know the answer to. Such as "Why did he do it?" or "Why is he trying to hurt us still?" and she couldn't answer them.

She felt because she was part of his DNA that she should be able to explain these things and give her mother the answers she so desperately wanted. Natsuki also felt that she was in some way responsible because they shared the same blood.

Drying her hands she picked up her phone and saw the name on the message. She stared at it for a few seconds before replying, putting it back down she stood, shocked for a moment.

"Who was that?" Saeko asked.

"It was Mai. This is like the first time she has spoken to me in a year."

Natsuki and the fiery red head had somewhat of a past.  
They met in high school and Natsuki hadn't so much as come out but people, her friends knew that she was gay. Surprisingly she never really got any heat for it, she didn't get bullied or taunted and nothing particularly bad happened to her.

Time passed and they got to know one another and the blunette wanted to ask her on a date so when she found out the red-head was bisexual she went for it and got a stayed together for ten months in total, not including the short period where they were broken up which was Mais choice. It wasn't an easy relationship, they were both young, awkward and unsure of what a relationship with another girl entailed.

Although Natsuki did her best to do everything she thought you should like sending good morning text messages, being supportive, giving gifts on their sixth month anniversary and going on dates. But all through this Mai hardly ever spoke to her, text her or acted as though they were together and the blunette took that all in her stride. After the first four months they spent together Mai broke up with her then asked for her back two days later. That time round it lasted six months but nothing changed or improved.  
One day as she was on her way to college at half eight in the morning she got a message from Mai basically breaking up with her. That day she didn't speak to anyone.

She made Shizuru promise to never break up with her that way but all she could think now was '_Hah. Look how well that turned out.' _

Even so she still tried to be friends with Mai which somehow worked. And now after a year of complete silence they were talking and everything Natsuki was feeling just poured out and when she was done Mai invited her to come and stay with her for a week at her university.

So, a week later, here she was.  
Standing on the platform, waiting to make the four hour journey to a place she hadn't been to before to see someone she hadn't spoken to in a year.

* * *

**It's not amazingly long my I can only handle revisiting all this emotional stuff in small doses, the next chapter will be longer.**

**Thank you to: **

_H3artbreak3r, hauntedartemis, anon, SupAcooLEX, clara76120, will-find-u, Sami2388, zenshiki, zaki-kun, dim, Honulicious, wolfie21, Grawrr and soyunax. _

**Note to - **_will-find-u:_ Yeah, basically all that Natsuki was feeling in the last chapter is what I was/am feeling now.

**In happier news: I'M GETTING A KITTEN. Not that it's relevant in any way you know, sharing the good news and what not but I can't think of a name. **


	4. Chapter 4

Trains were never Natsukis thing.  
She had never before gone on one alone, they were foreign to her as she always took buses but here she was; in the middle of a crowded train station trying to find the right direction, the right platform.

After this she had to make one more change then take another train and she would be there, except she hadn't booked a seat on this train so she had to try and find an empty one that wasn't ticketed.

The blunettes bag was heavy as hell; she figured that her ipod may not last the whole way so she brought a few books along.  
The journey dragged, it was cold and dark outside. She had to wait at the last station for an hour until the train she needed came and when she finally got to her destination there was still ice on the ground.

In short – it was fucking freezing.

It was also a saturday night, meaning that people were out in all manners of clothing. She looked at some of the girls in strappy tops and tiny skirts thinking '_What in the__ hell possessed you to wear that?__'_

Eventually she saw flaming orange hair turn the corner and she smiled.

"Hey! You got here safe then." Mai said as she hugged her.

"Yeah but I'm fucking freezing."

The red head chuckled before looping her arm through Natsukis' and pulling her along.

* * *

Nothing much happened in the first few days; Natsuki met Mai's flatmates and hung out in her room whilst Mai went to her lectures. She didn't mind though, she like just having some quiet time. She was away from home, a place that held to many memories and too much emotion.

Here she felt less anxious, calm and safe.

It was one night after they had spent the evening playing video games and having friends over for dinner – including Mikoto and her girlfriend; that things started to repeat themselves.

She had gotten changed into her pyjamas and turned on her side, giving Mai privacy to change her clothes. The lights went out and she felt the mattress next to her sink a little with the weight of the red head, she switched to lying on her back.

"Natsuki, are you okay?" her voice was quiet in the dark.

"I don't think I have been for a while. I don't know what to do or why things are screwing up so badly."

"Keep going?"

"It's been fucking horrible. Everything all happened at once, the universe royally fucked everyone over and in the space of two weeks. I hate December, I hate Christmas, I fucking hate it."

"You want to start with your dad?" she hesitated on the last word. Not knowing what reaction the word might get.

"Father?" she spat. "He's not my father, he's nothing. He was never there anyway, we weren't close, he didn't teach me a damn thing, and he didn't help or show anything. I'm ashamed of him, of what I might be associated with."

"What happened?"

Natsuki put her hands over her face and took a deep breath.

"It had been going on for a while, the arguments between my parents and the tension in the house. It would start with him going out all day and when we would ask he would never give a straight answer. Eventually I got fed up and started answering back which caused arguments."

"I found texts on his phone under the name 'Sexy' which certainly wasn't my mother's number. I kept quiet then one morning I woke up to them arguing. Then I heard him say 'Give me your phone!' and my mum shout back 'No!' in response. Then I heard the downstairs door slam and what sounded like a scuffle.

I was scared, waited a few minutes before going downstairs and when I did he was standing and my mum was sitting in the chair. I sat on the edge of the sofa and refused to move and asked him why he never gave us a straight answer and why he didn't care about us. And he said that he had known this woman for longer and didn't care about me. Right to my face."

"Oh honey."

"Doesn't matter. I'm just afraid. I'm so afraid I'll turn out like him."

"And with Shizuru?"

Natsuki rolled back over on to her side. "What's there to say? She called me up and dumped me over the phone, after spending the whole day with that prick. I even compromised so that she could go see him! I made the effort because he was her friend and look where I am now."

"You're still wearing the ring though."

"Habit."

A few minutes passed in silence and they took that as their cue to sleep. The bluenette knew she wasn't wearing it just out of habit. Even though it felt like a huge weight around her neck she couldn't let go of it. It was a symbol that she fought and lost but it also represented the promise she made; proof that she was willing to see it through and not jump on to the next warm body that came along.

* * *

Towards the end of the week was when she heard from the brunette, in the form of a text message.

'_Hey, it's weird not  
knowing what you're doing.  
How are you?'_

She stared incredulously at her phone, green eyes shone with anger and hurt. Why? Why did she feel like she had the right to text her such things? Was her happier, easier, shinier life not cutting it? She threw her phone on Mikoto's bed.

"How is this fair? How can she text me and be so god damn normal about the whole thing. She has no unresolved issues, no guilt, no anything!"

"Just ignore her." Mikoto responded.

Natsuki sighed. "I want to go for a walk."

"It's half one in the morning and it's chucking it down."

"And?" she raised an eyebrow.

"Eh, what the hell." Mikoto shrugged pulling her shoes on.

They walked around the small university town in the torrential downpour. Even so people were still dressed up to go out and have fun; they passed some very soggy looking people on their way up to the cathedral.

The bluenette wasn't sure why but she was drawn to the place. It was, in its own regard, very impressive. The stained glass windows, the architecture and of course it's height. You could see it from anywhere in the town, maybe that's why she wanted to go there; to be higher up, to try and pull herself out of everything going. To take a step back and be able to try and figure things out in this mess.

Natsuki took a deep breath and felt the air fill her lungs. It was crisp and fresh, heavy with the smell of rain soaked pavement. "It's going to be okay, right?"

"Yeah." Mikoto looked at her "It's gonna' be okay."

* * *

They said their goodbyes the next day and she began the long journey home. Making the same trip but in the opposite direction wasn't any less nerve wracking.

It was late when she arrived home, dragging her bag behind her. Everyone else was asleep, the house was quiet, and dark.

She sighed, dropping her bag and stroking the dog. "Hey woofter."

After downing a class of water she stood in her living room and looked around.  
This is how it was going to be from now, dark and quiet. Empty.

And she had no idea how any of them were going to get through it, how much they could take before they broke. Her mum, her sister, herself.  
But they would have to; she would make sure of it.

A few weeks passed, uneventful but still stressful. The brunette had consistently contacted her and she replied and was polite but felt herself get consistently angry and jealous when it would suddenly stop.  
She was here trying to cope with the fact they weren't together, it was hard just being a friend. A friend that felt barely important.

Natsuki did reach her breaking point.

'_I don't mean to be rude but I can't do this.  
I need you to leave me alone for a little while.  
Please? I'm not trying to be mean but you  
understand?' _

All she got in reply was:

'_I understand.'  
_

**A/N:  
This is a very short chapter, think of it as a stepping stone. I'm going to do a time jump though because there is a lot of boring stuff that doesn't need to be put in. As you know I started writing this as it happened to me but now I'm not sure whether to continue it in that vein or make it more of a story. **


	5. Chapter 5

**Enjoy ~**

* * *

The air here seemed fresher; if you took a deep breath it felt lighter. It could be the fact that it was winter, you were able to see your breath in the early hours and late at night the pavement looked like it was sparkling.

Winter was probably her favourite season; the days could be blindingly clear, the chill in the air and the red hue that peoples cheeks and nose took on when they'd been out too long.

Natsuki had moved 160 miles up the country to finally attend university, moving in with Mai, Mikoto and a few of their friends. She'd been there for two months now and nothing had turned out right, the only good thing being that she was away from that house.  
She found herself becoming increasingly disheartened by the course she was taking or was _meant_ to be taking. The induction and the safety workshop went pretty well; it was the studio sessions which she had a hard time making it through, surrounded by a bunch of people who seemed a lot more talented than herself. And if anything, the worst was looking at other peoples work, then back at her own and becoming frustrated with herself because it wasn't good enough.

The lectures were easier as all she had to do was sit at the back and be quiet, her name wasn't even on the register. She knew she should get into contact with administration but she couldn't care less thus the beginning of an old spiral.

The blunette was walking home from her girlfriends, well; could she even call her her girlfriend? They met on a spontaneous night out that she had decided to arrange for housemate bonding time. She was her housemates' friend, called Choyo.  
On the night they had done far too many shots and Natsuki had invited some random guy at the bar to join them because he was on his own. Normally she wouldn't do such a thing but with alcohol in her system she seemed to turn into a social butterfly and even got the guys number.  
They ended up going back to his after last calls, more shots were involved (the majority of being forced upon her by Choyo) then she was led back to her place. Natsuki up-chucked in her bathroom and then got lost trying to find her way home, making her call Mikoto to come and find her. The day after, Choyo asked her on a date.  
Not too shabby in her opinion.

But now doubt was beginning to set in; did she genuinely have feelings for this person? All she knew was that she didn't get that feeling, the one where you felt like you were going to throw up butterflies when you saw them or thought about them.  
Part of her just wanted to know if she was still capable of 'getting someone' or having someone attracted to her which was obviously true. Having no idea what to do about the situation she just went along with it.

It was also the night that she had first heard from the brunette again.  
As hard as it was, stopping herself from talking to her did help so when her phone flashed that certain colour she steeled her nerves and read it:

'_Hey, I'm sorry I'm breaking the whole not talking to you thing but  
I really to talk to someone about some stuff. It's relationship stuff so  
you might not wanna' hear it but I'm going crazy. Is it okay?'_

Natsuki read through it a few times, debating what she should do. Would it make her feel worse or better? Secretly, she wanted to know if they were having problems and it was horrible but she enjoyed that thought. In the end, curiosity won out.

'_It's okay. I'm here to listen, so what's up?'_

The response being:

'_Jesus, I don't know where to begin but I'm having doubts. About him,  
us and everything. Like do I wanna' be tied down so early, I don't think  
I gave it enough time between breaking up with you and being with him.  
But he loves me and my mum loves him and can't get enough of him  
and she's so happy about the fact we're together and it's great. I feel  
like I'm suffocating though, I'm trapped by it and I'm flirting  
with all these other guys and I just dunno.'_

She thought by now she would be able to handle this type of emotional upheaval, she had gotten better, even dated other people but she instantly felt sick after reading the message. The only response she could muster; anger:

'_You honestly think I want to hear about that?! I'm pretty sure you could  
have not included a few of those things. Especially about how much your  
mum loves the fucking asshole and how great everything is for you both.  
Enjoying your shinier, happier life? Well congrats.'_

It was childish and bitchy but she didn't think it would still hurt this much.

* * *

Christmas came and went, hardly a family affair. Natsuki's mother just wanted to spend the day at home watching films and eating junk, so that's what they did. In earnest she wanted to get back to her other house, she hated being at home. As soon as you walked into a room it would suck the life out of you, the walls where painted cream and it all felt so empty. There was a constant chill in the air and a forlorn, melancholy atmosphere.

She had come to one conclusion though, when she got back she would have to break up with Choyo. She felt more for Natsuki than she ever could in return, it wasn't fair to keep it going like this.

Natsuki made it as easy as she possibly could, simply telling her that she wasn't ready for whatever they were and she made sure she Choyo had a friend with her.  
Afterwards, she and Mai spent some time feeding the swans and wandering around the town so that their housemate could get Choyo home.

Except when she walked through the door, an hour or so later there her ex was; sitting on the couch with red eyes and tears still staining her cheeks. The blunette went to her room, and was shortly followed.

"I just came to get my stuff out of the bathroom, that okay?" Choyo spoke.

"Yeah, it's fine, go ahead." She gestured towards it.

Choyo went in and grabbed her things, slamming the shower door and the bathroom door on her way out.

"That's it. I'm done, I'm fucking done."

Natsuki pulled on a shirt and stormed out of the house, slamming the front door on her way. Breathing hard she didn't know where to go, so she took a moment and decided on the common which was basically a huge field at the end of her street where horses were left to roam about.  
She sat on a bench which was flooded in lamp light, and stared at the night sky. It wasn't long before Mikoto walked up the path and sat down next to her.

"You okay?"

Natsuki sighed. "I'm fed up. Fed up of being me and not being able to do anything, it sucks and no matter what I do I can't seem to stop it. I've tried and tried but I'm stuck in this rut where I never feel okay, everything just seems to be one gigantic reminder."

"Of Shizuru?"

"Yeah." Natskui dug the toe of her shoe into the mud. "Everything's so constant all the time. I came to do this course, to be able to provide a future for her and the family we planned out. We planned it out to the very last detail."

"Why not make a new plan, with someone else." Mikoto offered.

"I can't make another plan. That was_ the_ plan. The only one I wanted, the only one I needed and now I'm here, trying to do a course that was the basis for that future. I can't. . I can't do it." She'd forgotten how cold it was out here, her thin shirt not providing much of a barrier. "I can't even picture having children or a family, anything with someone else. We planned it, I wanted it and I could have pulled it off. It would have worked."

"You can't let her take that away from you."

Shrugging, she answered. "It's already gone."

Reaching up she played with the ring hanging around her neck. She could never quite figure out why she wore it, some days it felt like and burden and others, a reminder. It had its own emotional weight attached to it but she didn't feel right not wearing it.

It was the one she proposed to Shizuru with, the one she bought her. The one the brunette gave back to her, which felt like someone had come up to her and ripped out any kind of good feelings she ever had.

* * *

Time passed; weeks, minutes and nights. She came to the conclusion that university wasn't for her; as much as she wanted to make something of herself she just couldn't see it. The course was chosen for a future she thought she was going to have, so every time she had to go to the architecture building it was a reminder of something she had lost.

What to do now?

The choice of switching courses was being toyed with, maybe if she could get far enough away from what was _meant_ to be she could focus on something new for herself. Ultimately though, she wanted to get away, to travel. Natsuki had found herself not wanting to stay in one place too long, after a while it all began to grate on her.  
She couldn't do this without money though, so the only option was to find work.

Natsuki sat down at her desk and pulled out a notebook, holding a pen above the empty paper. It had become a habit to write letters to Shizuru but to never send them, she had needed a way express how she felt that didn't involve lashing out at others or resorting to contacting the brunette.  
The first letters were probably the worst; full of hate and anger towards the other girl. She would pour herself into pages and pages of writing and seal them in a brown envelope, never re-opening them or re-reading them. She always felt incredibly embarrassed if she read something back.

Instead this had become a habit, to write down what she felt. The process made it abundantly clear that she still hadn't patched up the wound Shizuru had left.

Shizuru had contacted Natsuki a handful of times, always being careful to not mention anything about her life but insisting that the blunette tell her everything. Why should she tell Shizuru anything of her life? About what she was doing and information on her love life?  
Mostly, Natsuki assumed it was because she wanted to know if she was seeing anyone but when your ex keeps you under a different name on their phone and only calls or texts after un godly hours in case their boyfriend finds out, they don't deserve to know a thing.

Except she was pleased that the brunette did this, it was a silent 'fuck you' to that asshole. These good moments never lasted too long because, with impeccably clear clarity, that she continued to be with him crashed down on her.

There had been a conversation between the two where Shizuru has said that a part of her would always love Natsuki but what they had back then wasn't healthy or good for them. That she would always hold a special place in her heart. It didn't help; it was just false hope and caused her to think about if they did somehow come back together.  
At other times the brunette would subtly get her to give her an ego boost, or send her names of androgynous male models that looked similar to her.

Part of her wanted to keep Shizuru in her life, she was all she had known for three years and for the possibility that they might end up together again. Which was a ridiculous notion yet it wouldn't leave her mind.

So what else could she do? Other than commit it all to paper and maybe, one day send it to her.

* * *

**A/N: These chapters are more like short bursts of how Natsuki feels and what's going on in her life. This fic is very Natsuki-centric because it a true account of something I've been through.**

**So here is the big question:  
Do I keep writing it as my experience or do I change it more into a story? A little more fiction than fact? **

**Your advice is greatly appreciated.  
~ Pan. **


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